What It Is, what It Ain't

I have to say that some don't, wont and can't understand what I am going through (some aren't willing). I can't say I blame you I wouldn't want you to understand even if you could, because the only way for you to understand is to be here and I wish that for no one not even my enemy's (not that I have any). I was fully prepared for what was ahead as far as the physical, being shot at, dodging mortar fire (not really possible, but hopeful) and the possibility of death just so that I can make things easier for myself and my family finacially. I have always been a dreamer and lived in a realm outside reality, because I am a firm believer that reality is what you make it. I have been constantly told that my way of thinking isn't normal or even sane, but I stand by them regardless. Dreams at some point in my life are all that I have had. Some times the thought of being some where ten years from now was the only good thing I had going for me. I will continue to dream, but you best believe that what I dream is more real than anything else this world has to offer.

I wasn't however (Rant over) prepared mentally for what I would have to deal with. The stresses of rules and regulations in a lawless land, conflict of interest, emotional separation and 7000+ miles. One thing that I didn't focus enough on was the fact that all the problems I had when I was home are still there, just not right in front on me. I guess the point is that I am trying to make is that I have been asking for help the wrong way. I have been overloaded mentally and emotionally with baggage as a result of being here and that makes it harder to cope. I just automatically thought that since I have a supportive family that loves me that they would do what was necessary to help me through this troubled time. Not taking into consideration that it isn't a requirement nor a obligation that relief be given (with the exception of Mrs Dubs sorry, but its your job I need that rib of mine), but a selfless sacrifice that may be hard for some to swallow considering they didn't want me hear to begin with. Take nothing I say here as a jab or a personal grudge toward you I am only doing the one thing I do best in this world expressing myself with the GOD given talent of Emotion.

Know this that I will always love all that I meet and know, and how I feel isn't a reflection of what you have or have not done for me it is an expression of how I feel. Take into consideration my situation and ask yourself what would I want from so and so if I were in his shoes and make it applicable if you wish. I will not dwell on the need for support any longer I think that I have made that very clear. If not email me personally , but I will no longer let my weakness be just that a weakness. My grampa said to me the other day that everyone in the world is here for themselves (for the most part) and its time you do the same. I can't really say that I have KNOWINGLY done things just for myself. This journey is probably one of them, and I'm sure I could find more if I think hard enough, but I have always based my decisions on a multitude of factors rather than just making up MY MIND. I WILL make it out of here alive, and I WILL make good on everything I have dreamed of. I will not be held down any longer by anything or anyone including myself, ESPECIALLY myself.

Love Always and thank you all for all that you have done.

K3 4LIFE