A Good Guy Down...

Every since last night I started to get real down about my situation. I tried to dismiss the random thoughts that were racing in my head, but without the support I have had recently I have found that my weakness is taking over. I begin to think of those that I have met and how my heart aches thinking that I will no longer be with my brothers. To think that I set out to support those that support us and now I feel full of pity and useless. I decided to take a couple of days in Dubai thinking that it would do me some good and at first it did, but I have worn out that good and now linger on utter sadness. I hate feeling like this and for some reason I can’t shake it no matter what I try to do.

So I check out my hotel not wanting to sit there and dwell on the negative and hoping I can just go to the airport and find a quiet corner and chill maybe listen to some music. I get to the airport and go to the reservation desk hoping I can change my ticket which I had originally scheduled my return for the 15th of December. The usual I will just ignore you even though you are standing in front of me obviously wanting help routine was in full effect. I am finally asked if I can be helped and I explain what I am trying to do. He gives me the number for the airline that my ticket has been purchased for. I call and again explain what I need to do. The representative asks for my name and he finds my flight details, he quickly tells me my flight has been rescheduled for today and asked if I had a fax number. I told him I could ask the gentleman that originally helped me at the ticketing desk and I gave him the information. I asked how much I owed and he said nothing you are all taken care of. In the mist of what I am going through to hear that was the relief that I needed right then… I smiled got off the phone and sat close to the desk waiting for them to fax my travel itinerary.

I plugged in my earphones and was tried to pass the time by listening to some music, well the effect was one that I could have lived without. I began to think about the military personnel that I supported and how I would do anything to help them and found it honorable to be in the position I was in. Just seconds passed when I started to get chocked up with emotion and it was hard to hold it in. Even now just typing about it has got my eyes a little watery and I am doing everything in my power to hold back how I feel. I do not like to believe I fail in anything, but my immediate withdrawal from Iraq has got me feeling just like that. 2 and a half months is all I had left and I would have been home again with an overwhelming feeling of success in the eye of danger. Although I know a great many people are very supportive and relieved that I am coming home I can’t shake how I am feeling. This will have been the hardest thing I have had to write since I have been in Iraq and I can’t help but feel alone. All I wanted to do was support my family, my loved ones, and my country with honor and dignity and now I am reduced to an unwanted, discarded employee as if there was something I did to deserve being removed from my position.

As I hold back the tears and continue with my train of thought I yearn to be back with my coworkers and in the middle of a war that is neither our concern nor our focus. Please do not confuse my feelings with having grown use to the environment or even the income that I acquired in these last 10 months. Money has never been a driving force for me to do what I want to do even though it has helped I despise money and what the problems it has caused me over the years. The way I am feeling now is like I have loved and lost completely. I have felt this way before and it can be so overwhelming that I can think about anything else but it. My throat has a lump lodged in it and my heart aches like never before and I find it hard to breathe my nose is runny and it is taking every ounce of my being to keep from crying out. I can only say I am truly glad I am in public because I wouldn’t be able to control it otherwise nor would I have wanted to. With all that is going on in my life to be dealt this blow has truly affected me more than I thought it would. Please forgive the rant, but I had to write how I felt and although I have had to stop several times to regain my composure I can feel good about letting those that are concerned about me know where I am right now. Please bear with me and just continue to pray and be supportive, but just give me time to come to terms. Please do not email me asking if I am ok and, I don’t do it often, but for this post I will be turning off the comments.

My Moment of Silence

My mind floods with thoughts joys and pains all alike
Successes and failures, trials and tribulations
I hold back the feeling of spite knowing that it's not right
Weakness sets in and tears fill my eyes but do not fall
To think that speaking out against one I do not like
Has brought me to this unfortunate situation
Hours will pass as I sit here awaiting my flight
I look at my phone, but who would understand who do I call
A feeling of dread is beginning to overwhelm me
A sensation that maybe I am somewhat to blame
I look inside for strength just to get through today
Trying to occupy my thoughts with idle things to do
My vision seems blurred and I can no longer see
I never wanted acknowledgment for what I did, wasn’t looking for fame
Didn’t care what people thought didn’t want to hear what they had to say
I just wanted to do the right thing; I wanted someone to see to

My concerns and feelings about what was where we were
To take to heart the things we are put through daily
Understand that we are giving our best under undue pressure
And for that I am forced to depart with a heavy heart
I maybe down for the moment, but not out that’s for sure
When I regroup, and in time I will, they will be no maybe
Someone will have to come to terms, and my thoughts will be the measure
No longer where I was in my mindset like I was from the start
Wounded, but still moving forward just as before
Just, yet again, something for me to move past
Short of breath and an ache in my chest
Just like if there was something important I have lost
No longer going to sit here and take it anymore
I will do all that I can to make my words ring out and last
All I can do, like I always do, is give it my best
GOD willing I will do it no matter what the cost…

Please pray for my strength...

I love you...

K